I recently finished the book “Blessing of a B-“ for the second time. As a parent of one teen and one soon-to-be, it was an invaluable read. And no you can’t borrow it because I walk around with it in my bra so that I can quick draw McGraw THE BOOK when face-to-face with attitude a la adolescent. Just get it. Thank me later.  One section of the book that has resonated deeply with me is the likening of the teenage animal to that of The Seven Dwarfs.

Omigosh – do I get that.

So, we have all read the tale of the lovely Snow White having found herself in the company of seven tiny men with distinctively accurate names.  I do believe that the film was some of the finest work to come from Disney Studios, as it has the elegance of non-computer animation and that certain touch of sadism that is no longer allowed in films we expose our wee ones to….but I digress.

The dwarf/teen allegory. I get it.  This has actually enabled me to manage the day to day , no , the minute to minute morphing that had me completely rattled so much so that now I whistle a happy tune.  I hate to be the one to do it, but someone must. I give to you: The Real Seven Dwarfs (queue the E! exposé music) in the form of a real boy.

Sleepy:  I had no idea that this little bugger was nocturnal. I always thought of him as more of a narcoleptic type, poor guy falling asleep in his soup. But in fact, he is up until all hours of the night, usually engaged in a form of technology, usually in the company of others with headsets and an ooVoo account. Sleepy needs to be reminded 10-15 times of his “lights out” rule, and can be often caught texting under heavy cover. His Sleepy name was actually derived from the difficulty Snow White has waking him in the morning, or the lengthy amounts of REM state he requires on weekends to catch up. Sleepy is a pleasure in the morning, and after his final yawn and grunt he is given the tiny Dwarf boot by….

Grumpy: No shocker there! Grumpy is a swell little guy and has been spending a lot of time with us lately; he would tell you he is FORCED to. He is a real treat. The best part about Grumpy is he heads up the grievance committee, and provides me with an endless list of complaints about the management. Grumpy might verbalize the beef, sometimes he will have Sleepy text it, but his favorite means of getting his point across is silent torture. This way you know he is in the room, but you never quite know why. I’m not even sure he does either.

Sneezy: This guy is the rarest of the Dwarfs but certainly deserving of attention.  When attention MUST be paid, he shows up. Sneezy makes himself heard when there is a demand that is cleverly disguised as a boo-boo or malady. He is so shrewd! Let me illustrate. Let’s say there is a project that should be done …but maybe could maybe wait until tomorrow and be crammed in because Sneezy’s favorite show (South Park) has a new episode featuring Justin Bieber (and any jab at the Bieb is a jab that can’t be missed. DVR?!? For shame, Snow White!) Sneezy will..well..sneeze! And when Sneezy sneezes, he needs a warm blankie, a cuppa tea and must lie upon on the sofa until… ummm… well like a ½ hour should work. Unless of course if there happens to be another episode to follow (yeah we saw the Steven Tyler one but it’s just sooo darn good) then Sneezy wheezes! Poor guy and his afflictions!

Dopey: Hands down my personal favorite of the Dwarf’s. He reminds me of my little boy lost, but with more sophistication. He is sweet and begs to be pinched. But! Who knew what a smart ass Dopey is! He can come up with things that are somewhat shocking in both subject and delivery ( “Honey Badger don’t give a shit” is a common reply when Dopey is asked why he has left a trail of wee little Dwarf items and crumbs all over the cottage). But without a doubt, he is my favorite Dwarf of them all.

Happy: This guy is best buds with Dopey, and while I hate to be the one to tell ya, he is completely bipolar. Happy rolls with a crew of likeminded Dwarfs, eating entire bags of chips in one seating, while You Tubing anything that is twisted and bizarre or has people on toilet seats. This makes Happy and his elfin bands of merry men laugh so gosh darn hard! Never, ever ask what’s so funny or Happy will immediately have you banished from the area.  Happy does NOT go for any intrusion to his pleasure seeking, least of all by any NON wizened Princess or Queen. However, when it comes to moments of instant gratification, Happy is a non-discriminate dude. He really missed his calling as a Politician or Lawyer, and is in possession of some sick negotiating skills. But Princesses, beware! If Happy is told “NO”, Grumpy swiftly comes in to kick his ass out of the room.

Bashful: I really thought we only had six dwarfs, as I had never met Bashful. Until recently…While at a Bat Mitzvah SHEWHOWILLNOTBENAMEDORDISCUSSEDMOM said “Hi”. All of a sudden, mouthful of marbles, feet a-shufflin’, hands stuffed deep into pockets, crimson cheeks sweet little Bashful. Snow White was floored. Then she was banished, again.

Doc: Ahh Doc. AKA “The Professor” .Snow White is unsure how she ever got a thing done before Doc. He is a wealth of knowledge regarding topics Snow didn’t even know she should be interested in (Honey Badgers, Dubstep) and is quick to offer corrections to any and all things, cuz Doc knows better, Doc knows all,  and isn’t afraid to school you.

In short, no pun intended, I really love all my little men, and I know they love me. I never know which one is going to be there from moment to moment , but that’s part of the fun (and why I drink). The one dilemma I have is I am really not the Snow White type. I am more … the Witch fo’ sho. Sometimes I hear The Dwarfs whisper about “That Witch” to each other, isn’t that cute??

Footnote: I’m not really a witch – Im a QUEEN, thankyouverymuch.  I mean let’s be real here, The Queen’s wardrobe is totally a nod to Dior circa John Galliano whereas that Snow White, in all of her loveliness, appears to shop at, well, The Disney Store. But alas my dears, that’s another blog.