Most of my shopping and wrapping is done.  Teenage boys mostly want new clothing and sports gear.  Easy.

And not that I’m complaining, but what was with all the free shipping this year?  Did LL Bean and Amazon just tack $10 onto the price of every item?  Perhaps on-line research revealed that too many people went through the order process only to bail when they got to the final steps due to shipping shock, and this was the way to prevent that from happening again in 2010.

My dad and brother Jim are arriving tonight, 24 hours in advance of original plans, in order to beat a predicted snowstorm.  Malcolm will move back to the top bunk, Ian will move back into Malcolm’s room, my dad will take over the guest room from Ian, and Jim will get a blow-up mattress on the third floor.   I don’t want anyone sleeping on a couch in the living room, with duffel bags and dop kits slopping around.   Next on the to-do list:  washing sheets and making up beds.

Also cookies.  I still haven’t made the cookies!  Tried to enlist Ian in this project, since he is a talented and willing baker, but he’s too busy running around with his friend Freddy and creating art.  Maybe this afternoon, when he gets up, I can rope him into some baking.

Mostly,  fun stuff remains.  Tea party with Kay tomorrow.  Lunch with Emily following.  Baking cookies.  Eating, drinking, and being merry. 

Although the addition of Jim and Sam meant another two guys in the house, with Laura and daughter Jane and Sam’s girlfriend Becca here, we females were actually a force to be reckoned with.  And I could wrap up girly things like lip gloss and cute books in angel paper with pink ribbon.

We were wowed by this huge surprise of a family present from an overly generous friend.

An amazing feast starring Chris’s brined turkey was served (the only casualty was the smoke alarm, which had to be beaten down off the ceiling to stop its incessant wailing).  My brother Jim was with us for the holiday week, helping with cooking, cleaning, errands, and driving.

A long-lost first cousin, David,  came out to have lunch with us on Boxing Day and to share memories that are known only to a few people on earth  (i.e. how did Grandpa John serve ice cream?  In slices!  Which, we all agreed, is the perfect way to present Neopolitan).   For me, it is wonderfully surreal to have another blood relative living East of the Mississippi, let alone in the very same neck of the woods.  Thank you, David and Alison, for relocating to Philadelphia!

Games were played.  Pit, Scrabble, Big Boggle, and Pictionary were hauled out on various nights.  Although the team of Chris and Malcolm ended up winning Pictionary, I am proud of this one particular victory that Jim and I had in the game during an ALL DRAW turn.  Each team was trying to illustrate the same thing.  Luckily for me,  Jim inherited the art gene and did this detailed little drawing. 

After guessing “cowboys” and “cattle rustlers,” I threw out “posse.”  And got it right.  The best part was hearing the wails from our boys, who were busy on their own drawings of “posse,’ which involved limosines, bling and gangsters.  They demanded,  ”What does the word posse have to do with cowboys?”

Yes, I felt old.  But victorious.

I’m a paperwhite person, myself.  I buy the bulbs around Thanksgiving and pot them in random pieces of crockery that have accumulated from yard sales and such.  But I know not to give one to my friend Carol, because she associates the sweetly strong smell of paperwhites with death.  While I almost never buy poinsettias, I do enjoy them if I get one as a gift.

And I say Poin-sett-EE-ah, because there’s an I in there.  But lots of people around here say “poin-sett-ah.”  It’s just one of the many divisive issues of Christmas.

Another is the fruitcake, much maligned back in the heyday of Ann Landers.  The Christmas fruitcake became a national joke.  If you like them, step up and say so.  Be proud!

In this house, we are not fruitcake people per se, but we love the rum cake a neighbor bestows on us every year.  And we also love the fruit-studded bread from Trader Joe’s that comes in a big box.  Great for breakfast and tea time, and sold only in the last two months of the year.  When it comes to holidays sweets, nothing says Christmas like sugar cookies.  Ours don’t look like this, but they taste delicious.

And as for gifts, would you rather receive this item from Macy’s - or just what goes inside it?

As for me, I’ll take just the money, thanks.  I’m pretty sure I can find an empty spaghetti sauce jar and lid in our basement.  And unless you’re stuffing said jar with thousand dollar bills and truckloads of change, I can dump it out on my bed and count it myself, thanks.  No batteries or LEDs required. 

I’d love to hear about your favorite holiday foods, flowers, or traditions, if you can grab a moment during this extremely hectic, hobligation-filled time.

The Jews of Christmas Day

I must say that the whole premise is totally surreal – and I have seen this film remade just a little differently each year for the last 40 years.  We don’t feel sad because we have no place to go – but we definitely feel left out of something.  The energy seems to have been sucked out of the atmosphere and the sense that the whole world is still in their pajamas at 1:00 in the afternoon is palpable.  Yet we Jews are up and raring to do something – with absolutely no place to go. 

So we seek out “the others” (i.e. Jews, Budhists, and Hindus) at the few oases of activity on the planet.  And as we pass these tethered souls during the day, we trade furtive glances, blinking in a solemn, collective recognition of the Christmas secret that is understood by “the others” but never spoken.  Now and again, some parent offers a creepy little half grin because he or she knows the three magic words that always result in a happy ending to an otherwise desolate day for our people:  No Lift Lines.  

Some of “The Others” Brothers on Christmas Day 2008:  Chase, Owen, Brandon, Noah, Jake:  Apres Ski – Avant Chinese Food

For a week, I am truly outnumbered in this house by a factor of 6:1.   I’m a mother of brothers and a mother with brothers and a mother who is lucky enough to still have a father.  Most of my friends have a mom but lost their dads years ago. 

So while I raise a glass here in my patriarchal society on Christmas, I wish you a lovely day with the ones you love, regardless of their gender.  Life is sweet, especially when baking has been going on.

My father receives a Christmas letter every December from an elderly English couple he and my mom met back in the 1960s.  Written entirely without irony, every missive mentions not only the exciting events, but also the major maladies and trivial calamities of the previous year.  The tone reminds me of the doleful Eeyore, who was also English, before he became a Disney property.

You have to love the fact that this is a polar opposite of the much-mocked bragging of most Christmas letters.  From this year’s mailbox, here are my favorite phrases.  

In London, we went to the Globe Theatre to see “A Midsummer Night’s Dream” (it rained.)

We finished our gallivanting with a week in our son’s new apartment in Gibraltar where the weather was disappointing (28 hour thunderstorm).

(And drumroll please:)

June saw us on holiday in West Sussex which D. found disappointing because there were too many trees to get decent views of the landscape.

Cymbal crash!  A.A. Milne could not have written it better.

Chris and I bought this baby blue leather Mary Jane shoe, and its mate, in Paris in 1986.  It was a gift for a newborn in Philadelphia named Seth.  When I was pregnant in 1994, Seth’s mother gave me back the shoes.  Our baby Hugh wore them at his christening, where, despite their newborn size, they fell off his absurdly tiny feet.

I bought the golden-painted walnut on a stretchy cord at Old Pine Presbyterian Church’s flea market back in the 1980s for a nickel.  It is perhaps my favorite ornament.  In 1987, Chris and I were married at this church.  Just a few years ago, I found the squirrel made of feedsack.  And of course I had to have it, and of course it has to hang right next to the nut.

This lamb I inherited from my mother, who inherited it from her mother, who inherited it from her mother.  From all my years of eBaying, I know that it was made by a German company, it’s called a Putz lamb, and it’s very valuable, fetching up to $200.  I would never sell it.

In the foreground, a preschool craft project starring Hugh, and behind that, a big San Francisco globe from my friend Lindsay, who has lived in SF since 1986.  We used to have a tradition of giving each other Christmas ornaments, back when we had not accumulated much stuff.

Hand-crafted ornaments are the most precious of all.  The yellow globe with leaping cat is a portrait of our first pet, Ween, who was part of the package when Chris became my boyfriend.  Our amazingly creative friend Jim Fryer painted this ornament for us nearly 20 years ago.   Every Christmas, Chris gets to hang it.  And every New Year, it is carefully packed away in its own special box, surrounded by clouds of tissue paper.  The boats were made for our boys by our neighbor Scott, a talented woodworker.  He also made our bed, radiator covers, endtables, and dining room trestle table (visible in the background).  Scott is quite old now, in poor health, and no longer able to craft things in  his workshop.  The tiny monkey was a gift from my great friend Lisa back when we were young teenagers.  I lost this wonderful, whimsical friend stupidly, by making a tactless blunder in the 1970s that I still regret to this day, and yet I cling to this toy monkey.  And it clings to my tree.

Ornaments are not just ornaments.  They’re symbols.  Artifacts.  Memories.  Stories.  Love. 

Noah:  Mom, do you think one year we could do the whole Christmas thing?

Me:  Do you mean like doing the Jesus thing?  The church thing?

Noah:  Uh, no.  I mean the lights thing and the tree thing and the Santa thing.

Me:  Hmm.  If we did, do you think Santa actually would stop by our house?

Noah:  You have a point.  He probably wouldn’t.  Sigh.

Me:  Sorry, dude.

End of discussion.

It comes as no surprise that the Jewish kids want to convert to Christmas.  Not Christianity, mind you – but Christmas.  Note to all missionaries who are considering disenchanted Jewish children as candidates for conversion:  When proselytizing,  skip the holy stuff and go straight to the merriment.   Remember, we are the religion that artificially elevated the importance of Hanukah just to make sure that the Christians didn’t hold the monopoly on December exuberance. 

But truth be told, we can’t compete.   

Christian kids get the tree, the characters, the songs, and one mother lode of a morning, where I guarantee you there are usually more than eight presents per capita.   We get a spinning top, a candle holder, potato latkes, and usually a cap of eight presents, including the last night of Hanukah which inevitably yields something equivalent to a new pair of socks.  And then there are the decorations.   A view of our neighborhood:

Next Door Neighbor #1          Next Door Neighbor # 2

Our House

Dave lovingly refers to our home as “the dark hole at the end of the street.”  He’s right.  But I’m okay with that.

I have come across two very polarized “Jew views” regarding the crossing over to Christmas.  I know Jews who have the Christmas tree and do the Santa thing despite the fact that no Christians live in their home.  I also know Jews who get totally offended when people wish them a “Merry Christmas.”  I struggle with both of these extremes. 

Jews who choose to celebrate Christmas instead of Hanukah not because they believe in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit but because it’s more fun seems off kilter to me, especially if they want to continue to identify with being Jewish.  It’s like secular embezzlement.   Plus, we Jews don’t have huge numbers to begin with.  We need all the team players we can get.  I worry that assimilation will one day breed extinction.  I also wonder how the Christians feel about these Jewish “tourists”.  I honestly don’t’ know.

On the other side, I see absolutely no reason why we can’t share the joys of Christmas with those Christians who are kind enough to offer it.  That includes singing along to carols that you can stomach, taking a drive to see the lights, and thanking people who wish you well by saying “Merry Christmas”, even if they didn’t get it exactly right.

So our house will remain the dark hole at the end of the street.  Our neighbors, who are blowing fuses as I type, insist that the whole “light thing” is overrated.  Perhaps the lights truly are always brighter on the other side of the fence.   I’m glad we can enjoy the view.

‘Tis the season to wrack my brains for holiday gifts ideas.  When it comes to giving that perfect something to that perfect someone, I am neither creative nor crafty which makes me feel rather inferior to the bakers, scrapbookers, knitters, basket weavers and photogs. 

A fair warning to my future friends and loved ones:  You will never receive anything from me “Made with Love”.  Bought with Delight?  Yes.  Purchased with Pride?  Absolutely.  Overspent with Honor?  You betcha!

Compounding my predicament is the fact that I will only buy gift cards as a last resort.  Call it a pet peeve of mine but this gift card explosion has become rather irritating.  I realize my disdain is completely irrational because I really like receiving gift cards, especially to restaurants. Everyone likes gift cards.  But I feel guilty about buying them because it is just too easy.  If I am obligated like you enough to buy you a holiday present, then darn it, picking something personal out is going to take the time and energy necessary for my husband to have me committed you deserve.

In all seriousness, gift giving this year requires a little more thought from all of us.  No one is terribly optimistic about the economy and most folks I know are tightening their belts out of necessity or fear of future necessity, yours truly included.  So, in that spirit, I am calling on all MoB readers to submit their best, most creative holiday gift ideas that are inexpensive, thoughtful, easy, and have been actually proven to put a smile on the recipient’s face.

Here are a few of my winners, not terribly original i.e. you have probably heard them before but they work well and make me feel good:

For the Kiddos: Top Chef Night – For Hanukah people, this idea can count for one of the eight crazy nights.  For Christmas folks, a coupon for this event is a great stocking stuffer or suitable for an “under the tree” present.  Buy a family cookbook or use something that you already have.  Ask the kids to select the entrée and dessert.  Break up into teams (recommended for siblings) and have each child be responsible for one item.  Go to the market that very night as a family, buy ingredients and everyone cook and eat together.  We started this tradition last year and the brothers are already asking if we can do it again.

For the Extended Family:  Dollar Store Pollyanna’s – The adults in my extended family stopped exchanging one-to-one gifts years ago, opting to draw names for a Pollyanna swap.  A fifty dollar limit was set (and consistently broken).  Gift cards became the norm. This year we have made the limit $5 – no exceptions.  Thoughtfulness and creativity will be required and more fun (I believe) will be had in shopping and exchanging.

For Anyone:  Magazine Subscriptions – True the magazine industry is in dire straits but there still exists a publication for just about everyone.  I usually buy and wrap the latest issue off the newsstand, first tearing out the subscription card inside and sending it off.  With the exception of the weekly entertainment magazines which cost a sculpted arm and cellulite-free leg, you can get a year’s subscription for $20-30 dollars.  My Dad, who is the hardest person to shop for, loves that I get him Consumer Reports each year.  Just be prepared to get inundated with renewal notices two weeks after the subscription begins.

So, what do you have for us gentle readers?  Leave us a comment, telling us what has worked and for whom.  Or if you have had a terrible experience with a certain gift item, warn us before it is too late!

We are counting on you.