This was not what I wanted to hear.  The boys ranged from tiny to kindergarten, and they were still cherubic and, for the most part, charming.  I didn’t want my friend fast-forwarding time away to the day when there would be three giant teenager boys in our kitchen, like age progressions on a milk carton.

Time waits for no man or mom, however.  And lo, it has come to pass. 

Malcolm turned 13 yesterday. 

Hugh is 15.  Ian is 18 . And yes, they do all swarm in the kitchen, often all at once, yanking open pantry, fridge and freezer in search of calories to pour into their gaping maws. 

Even  Hugh, who spent his first 12 years as an air plant, existing on only tiny portions of beige foods and water, has now taken a great interest in mealtimes.  As soon as he walks in the door at 3 PM, he asks ”What’s for dinner?”

Fortunately, the boys are all skilled at foraging for themselves.  They can manage their own snacks and occasional meals.  Hugh has taught us all that the perfect amount of time to defrost a bagel in the microwave is 23 seconds, and that pierogies are best when plunged into a bowl of warm water before sauteeing begins.  The other night he prepared pasta for a visiting friend, because Chris and I were nowhere near ready to eat – so he took matters into his own hands. 

Ian makes his own pizzas from scratch, and Malcolm makes his own tuna melts.

As the opposite of a foodie, I am personally thrilled that our boys can fend for themselves in the kitchen. 

For the birthday celebration, however, we let someone else do the cooking. 

The Hans Brinker method of remediation is called for when there’s a spill on the kitchen floor. Simply skate over the liquid with a towel, even if the spill was milk or lemonade. Yes, the floor will be sticky later, but hey, this is much faster than using soapy water and a mop or sponge! TIP: Choose the IKEA towels, not the special vintage linen ones your wife got on eBay and saves for when her friends come over.

When eating, do your fingers get covered in crumbs or grease? Why use the cloth napkin ON YOUR LAP when your shirt is made of cloth too?

Often, pesky crumbs remain on the table. What fool would tidy them into a mound, sweep them into her hand, and transport them carefully to the sink or trash? Eliminate this waste of energy by sending them straight to the floor! Should you walk on them later in your bare feet, simply scrape the bottom of your crumby foot against the shin of your other leg, and escape the vicinity. TIP: Or shuffle across the nearest rug.

When at the beach, notice those five grains of sand on the patio? Spend 10 enjoyable minutes aiming a hose at them, instead of toiling for 30 seconds to sweep them up. TIP: Also works for bits of dirt on the porch at home.

Finally, flour and sugar are frequently spilled items. Don’t get a wet sponge gooey or gritty in the cleaning process! You’d just have to rinse it thoroughly all over again! Employ air power instead! Much more fun.

(Note: my father swears he had never heard of this cleaning method until he got to our house today, but something tells me he has filed it away for the future.)

If I have missed any of your favorite guy cleaning tips, please enlighten me. I’m sure there are many more. I must say I admire the injection of amusement into drudgery.