In this world, there are “the haves” and the “have nots”.  Who you are really depends on where you are standing at any moment.  It would be easy for me to feel like a “have not” after attending a party such as this one, where there were more than a few guests wearing crushed velvet jackets or thousand dollar gowns – including my dear friend, the hostess, who looked gorgeous in the same Dolce and Gabbana green dress Rihanna wore at the World Music Awards.  We toasted, ate and danced the night away… and, of course, we had to get in that cage at some point, if only to appease our friend S.B. who was relentless in his pursuit of photographic documentation of the evening (using MY camera).

In lieu of gifts, D asked that guests make a donation to Autism Speaks, a national organization poised to change the futures for all who struggle with autism spectrum disorders.   D is also a mother of brothers and her oldest was diagnosed as being on the spectrum.  He is the sweetest little boy and is doing very well because his case is on the milder side and they caught it early.

D. has always been an extremely blessed in her professional success. She also happens to be one of the most generous people I know.  Even back in college, I raided her closet frequently, often at her insistence.  But I bet she would give it ALL away today if doing so would help her son and others. 

Sometimes we are “haves”. 

Sometimes we are “have nots”. 

Never are we “have all”. 

I don’t want to turn 40. I was totally cool with 30 because I longed for the respect that came with being in your thirties, as opposed to your twenties. I’m not sure what comes with being in your forties but my friend Anne reminded me last night that when I turn 50, I will really wish it was 40. Thank you, Anne. It’s a good point.

But this weekend it was all about my friend Kip – who still looks like he is 20 30. Really. Take a look at these pictures. Here is a picture of Kip and me at my 21^st birthday party.

Here we are at Kip’s 40^th.

The only thing Kip lost these last few years is the gold chain and that groovy 1980′s shirt (which he was slightly horrified to have re-surface in these vintage photos). I, on the other hand, have gained a few things I wish I hadn’t.

Lately, I have been more than a little cranky about getting older. Maybe it’s because the brothers are getting older and I can’t stop that process or maybe it’s because my body doesn’t look move function like the well-oiled machine it once was. But I think it’s time to stop comparing myself to 21 year olds. Especially my 21 year old self.

You see the friends in the first picture didn’t know squat about life. We had no idea what we were going to do with ourselves, who we were going to marry, whether we would have children, where our paths would lead; and any mistake that we made up until that point was easily remedied with a beer and shrug. Happy and clueless. But relatively empty.

The friends in the second picture know so much more – can you tell? We have charted our own courses, fallen in love, had children (two brothers for Kip as well), established careers, made new friends, lost old ones. We know generally what life has to offer in terms of opportunity; we also know what to be scared of. We lived – and lived well so far. We have banked great memories. And we can still dance to New Order, Erasure, and Technotronic.

So the next time I feel envious about the 21 year olds with their flat tummies, smooth skin, and ability to consume large amounts of alcohol without having to sleep on the bathroom floor, I’ll remind myself of all that I have gathered, embraced, and let go in the last two decades.

I wouldn’t trade it to be 21 again.

But suffice it to say that my people have figured out this conundrum over the years and the result is a formula that seems to work for most families. Service. Luncheon or dinner party with a variety of music that is always too loud for anyone over 40 60. Separate menus, usually with a fair number of the grown-ups sneaking over to the kid’s buffet for the mac and cheese. And the “fun-o-meter” is directly connected to your relationship with the family, the people sitting at your table, and the number of people who go up in the chair for Hava Nagila. Noah will have a bar mitzvah in 2010 and I had resigned myself to the fact that sticking to this approach is the only way to go. But no more. Now, there is hope because this past weekend I attended:

THE COOLEST BAR MITZVAH EVER!!!!!!

(And this is coming from an in-law)

For their son, Jake, Dave’s cousins reserved a conference center in Massachusetts. We basically had the entire Inn and grounds to ourselves for the weekend. The service was held outside on a gorgeous day with a guitar player and, might I say, one very hip Rabbi who understood this kid as well as the family did. My kids sat in the grass for most of the service. And there were no bees. (You parents know the havoc this could wreak).

THE SERVICE

But after the service is where it gets more interesting. Instead of the traditional luncheon/dinner dance thing, we were all given different colored t-shirts and divided carefully into six teams. We spent the afternoon in a heated friendly competition on the field together with our kids. Whacky games that cracked us all up. A corporate team building coach was hired to run the entire Olympic event. He kept us all honest with the rules and by the end of the afternoon we all wanted to kill him. Shalom!! It was a blast.

THE COMPETITION

TIME WITH GRAMMY

We spent the late afternoon swimming in the lake and had a barbeque at night – complete with a campfire and s’mores. And my brother-in-law’s band played! (I was a little worried about this part as I had never heard his band play before – and he is a lawyer for God’s sake.) But they were terrific and we stayed up late singing and dancing along.

I learned a lot this past weekend. My potato sack prowess is not what it was when I was twelve. When attending an outdoor bar mitzvah service, use sunscreen on the back of one’s neck. And when it comes to throwing a bar mitzvah, yes, you can make everyone happy.

15 Minutes of Fame Announcement

For those who are awake tomorrow morning (Wednesday) around 7:40 a.m., I am going to be on the 95.7 Ben FM morning show! Some very nice person (whom I have yet to identify) nominated me to be Woman of the Week. I think we are talking about a story I did for Chicken Soup for the Soul this year – and hopefully the MoB. For those in Philly, you can tune in directly (95.7 fm) or you can listen on the web (www.957benfm.com). I just hope I get to wear those cool headphones. Then my life will be complete.