In the words of Willie Nelson, “It’s been some rough and rocky travelin’ but I’m finally standin’ upright on the ground.” 

As a newbie parent to the whole school gig, I am open to helpful tips….until they no longer feel helpful. 

Everywhere you turn you get accosted with “Back to School Checklists” about what to buy (backpack, lunchbox, uniform, clipboard, headphones), appointments & dates to remember (pediatrician, Back to School Night, New Parent Orientation), and rules and procedures to memorize (busing, pick-up, drop-off, emergency contact, technology waiver, hot lunch). 

Supposedly, these gentle reminders are intended to “ease the transition” from summer to school.  To me it feels like getting doused in ice water at 3AM…accompanied by strobe lights and sirens and a voice screaming into a megaphone: “WAKE UP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  THERE’S NO TIME FOR SLEEPING!  YOU NEED TO PICK UP VACCINATION FORMS!  WHERE ARE HER SNEAKERS?  DO THEY EVEN FIT?   WHAT TIME DOES THE BUS COME?  DO YOU CALL THE TEACHER PATTY OR MRS. KEEFER?   GET UP!”

We started out strong.  Preparation started weeks in advance. I actually shocked myself with my uncharacteristic organization.  School supplies were bought and labeled; uniform shirts and shorts ordered and monogramed, the Old Testament substantial packet of forms completed.  And all this done BEFORE 11PM the night before school starts!  I was impressed with myself. 

Perhaps I was too busy micromanaging this whole operation to notice how my obsessive compulsive list and label making was affecting Emma.  There were signs of anxiety (a.k.a. incessant badgering) the night before the big day. As I gathered my belongings to head out to yoga class, she was on me like a fly on dog shit:

Emma: “Where are you GOING?”

Me: “Umm, yoga.  Where I go every most Monday nights.”

Emma: “MOM! This isn’t ANY MONDAY NIGHT!  Are you forgetting that kindergarten starts TOMORROW!  Its’ a BIG DAY!  How can you just LEAVE?   For YOGA?  Is that really NECESSARY???”

Me: “I am not forgetting.  We spent all day trying on your uniform, packing your bag and making your lunch.  We are all set.  And I’ll be home before you go to bed.”

Emma:  (deep sigh) “Well…FINE.  But I really wanted to model the uniform again WITH my lavender backpack, you know, because I am still on the fence about going with the lavender since I usually get pink….”

In typical Emma fashion, she pulled herself together for ShowTime. She bounced into that classroom with a smile on her face and blond ponytail swinging.  Unfortunately, as an INTENSE, creative type, Emma struggles with what I call the Rock Star Syndrome…when “on stage,” she’s delightful, fun, and charismatic. 

However when the show is over….let’s just say she has a tough time coming down from the high.  The minute I picked her up, I should have known we were headed for a major meltdown.  The cues were all there: crazy eyes, talking loudly to the point of screaming, biting the heads off birds.

As Phil is fond of saying, rats don’t have mice the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.  The clingier she got, the crazier it made me.  With every whining complaint I could feel the muscles in my jaw clench.  Couldn’t she see I was busy pureeing sweet potatoes to sneak into her Mac and Cheese??  How can I be a good mom when this damn kid won’t leave me alone?

Then, with Phoebe upstairs sleeping, Emma started bellowing, “I am so FRUSTRATED!” I must have had a psychotic break, because before I knew what was happening, I was clutching her by the shoulders screaming, “STOP!  SCREAMING!”

Clearly not my shining moment…but I blame those damn checklists (ok, partially). Sometimes I think there is such a thing as being too prepared.  The build-up, the anticipation….it is like Christmas laced with paperwork and performance anxiety. 

So I have compiled my own checklist:

 Back To School Necessities For The Flustered, Flaky & Hopelessly Flawed

1. A Trusted Mentor(s): This is your seasoned veteran, the experienced school Mom you call text for the inside scoop on the parents of the other kids in the class school rules & procedures.  These fairy godmothers are like black yoga pants; you simply cannot have too many.
2. A Reality Check: If you lived on hamburgers and watermelon all summer, don’t expect to morph into Paula Deen just because the leaves are changing color.  So put away the Cuisinart until everyone gets into the swing of things.
3. Perspective: Each day Emma came home with a new bright purple (jelly, popsicle, juice) stain running down the front of her white uniform shirt.  When I reminded her that she needed to wear these shirts EVERYDAY, she replied, “Hey Mom, relax. That’s what kindergarten is all about: having fun and getting dirty.”  Fair enough.
4. Bleach/OxiClean: For the purple stains.  And if these don’t do the trick, bury it in the bottom of the trash and go buy a new one. No one needs to know.
5. A Shut Up Button: My trusted mentor Julie, (see #1) advised me to fight the urge to pull a Diane Sawyer the minute Emma gets off the bus: “How was it?  Whad’ya do?  Where did you sit?  Did you eat your lunch? Did you make a new friend?”  No one needs a Spanish Inquisition.  If she has something to say, she’ll say it.
6. A Shut OFF Button: On Day 2, in an effort to exorcise my inner Joan Crawford, I vowed that by the time I picked Emma up from the bus, I would leave any unfinished household duties until the next day.  We came home, lounged on the couch and flipped through the Pottery Barn Kids catalog.  After we had settled in, I allowed myself ONE question (see #5): “What was your favorite part of today?”  To which she replied:                                                            

          ”Right now.”

I admit it, I watched every minute of the PBS series on The Merry Windsors the other night, and I can’t wait for the next installments.  One detail about the Queen that wasn’t shared:  when in her private chambers, she prefers to eat her cereal from a shabby old Tupperware container.  This news flash came from an undercover tattletale journalist the Palace once hired as butler.  Watching the Queen’s public life of soirees and stunning state dinners made me think “Apart from the Tupperware in both our kitchens, we have NOTHING in common.”

But then it struck me that we do have another common bond.  Watching Prince Philip walk – ALWAYS -at a respectful distance behind his wife reminded me of the protocol observed by my high school  sons.  When they are successful at begging a ride from me (which is far more often than I care to admit), it never fails:  I drop them off, and Ian immediately shoots ahead, leaving Hugh in the dust.  God forbid they be seen walking into the halls of judgment together.

Nostalgic for the days when Ian and Hugh toddled around holding hands, I was feeling sad that they’ve grown apart.  But then I started noticing other brothers arriving at the high school, and the pattern holds.  Always, Big Brother strides ahead, trying to look like he’s alone.  Younger Brother trots apologetically along, way behind, cognizant of the unwritten rule that you do NOT destroy your older brother’s birthright to school cred. 

 Primogeniture is not dead!  Which brings me back to the Windsors:  Happy birthday to Prince Charles, 60 today.  His mother is giving him a birthday party at the palace.  Musical thrones and paper crowns?  I only wish THAT footage could be spliced into the PBS series.

Notice the Guinness Book of World Records. This is like catnip for Malcolm, Mr. Non-Fiction. We are frequently called to see pictures of the world’s smallest monkey, longest fingernails or largest geode as he pores, rapt, over its pages.

So the four of us who were awake watched The Office, and roared with laughter, often of the painful variety. Little known fact: Steve Carrell arrived on the campus of Denison University three months after I graduated, and my little brother Tom arrived three months after Steve graduated. We both missed him – by mere weeks! Apparently he was in lots of the theatre productions. We could have said we knew him when, but in fact we were jinxed by accidents of birth year. Talk about bad comedic timing on Steve’s part!

And now it is Friday. I predict that a great deal of REM sleep will take place in this house over the weekend, as we continue to adjust our circadian rhythms and get into the swing of the school year.

Hall monitors.

No matter how much progress has been made elsewhere in our political system, hall monitors will continue to hand picked from the exact same demographic. It’s a good ol’ kids network, comprised entirely of goody two shoes fifth graders with near perfect attendance records. Sure these kids love their school, but are they really, truly ready to narc on their friends? They’ve done their homework but how much experience do they really have when it comes to telling the difference between walking and running? Oh they stand there and look the part, but when asked what they actually do, they can’t really tell you, can they?

You can put cherry chapstick on the piglet but it’s still a piglet.

May history absolve you, my son.

On this day, take a moment to think about what it means to be an American. I, for one, am so very proud.

Today I am participating in Fun Monday, a pretty cool process I equate to a “posting party”, in which a different blogger hosts a topic each week and other bloggers weigh in.

Today’s topic, hosted by MommyWizdom was: If you were ruler of the world/country/town for a day/week/month/year, you would…

At first I was thinking about what I would do if I was the ruler of my house, which despite my charades, we all know this is not the case. The dog rules the house, then the boys, then Dave, then me. I just make a lot of noise. Noise is not power.

So instead, I am thinking about education today. Dave is a teacher – and an excellent one at that. He is away this week, teaching other PA teachers about using technology in the classroom- and I am missing him. So…

If I were ruler of the country for a year, I would change the way teachers are compensated. (These thoughts below will either result in a really amazing homecoming on Thursday – or my divorce.)

1) I would raise all teachers’ salaries by at least 50 percent. Yes, that much. I can’t think of a more important job with more responsibility than motivating, educating, and preparing our children. Public school teachers’ salaries around my region start at around $40,000. If you started at $60,000 – with a cap of $150,000, not only would we be rewarding the professionals who are working so hard on behalf of our kiddos, but we would probably attract the best and the brightest to the profession. I truly believe that there are many intelligent, motivated college graduates who would choose teaching as a profession if the salary was higher.

2) Teachers’ compensation should be merit based. In every other profession (almost) you are rewarded for the job that you do. Shouldn’t the teachers who do outstanding work be rewarded for that work? I realize this is subjective – but isn’t it subjective in all professions? Surely a measurement system can be designed based on the goals of the schools and the classrooms. If the current salary system is too complex to change to a meritocracy, then give bonuses – and big ones!!

3) This is the one that might get me divorced because I realize that this is heresy for some educators. But I would eliminate tenure. I do not see why good teachers need job security in this day and age. All tenure does, in my humble opinion, is protect bad teachers who have been teaching forever from getting fired. The unions can still be helpful in fighting age discrimination – and there should be policies to protect those older teachers who are doing amazing jobs from being replaced. But straight tenure for every teacher does not serve the students. It hurts them.

So there you have it! (Hon, I hope you still love me.) Now go and check out what everyone else said today at MommyWizdom. And I hope that Jennifer and I can host a Fun Monday in the future.