Those of you who know me best know of my ongoing tortuous quest to write a book.  Yes, I am a total cliché in that I know I have the next great American novel in me.  The only thing that separates me from all the other book author wannabes is that I have never written a lick of fiction in my life.  I can’t seem to get over myself, which has kept my feet firmly planted in the narrative non-fiction, memoir genre.  And still, no book.

Why is this so important?  I have asked myself this question as I have toiled away with query letters, agents and proposals.  It comes down to the fact that getting a book deal legitimizes your work because someone thinks you are good enough that they can make money off you.  The fact that I just described prostitution is not lost on me gentle readers.  Yet, even if you are talented and lucky enough to get a book deal, the acceptance part is just beginning.  After you are published, you are reviewed – by professionals and readers alike.  Honestly, it is no wonder writers are total head cases.  We spend our lives begging readers to love us, never pleasing everyone.  I don’t see how authors can ever be at peace.

Because of this reality,  my pursuit of a book deal has ebbed and flowed.  It is currently ebbing as evidenced by my ability to find anything else in the world including scrubbing toilets something extremely important that needs my attention every time I sit down to work on my book.  I’m in the market for a muse.  Please send resumes to my email address at MoB.

All this being said, I am hoping to become newly inspired this evening when I attend my first book party in NYC… for something that I have actually written.  I am calling this a “book party lite.”  Babble.com recently published “Dirt is Good for You:  True Stories of Surviving Parenthood”.  It is an anthology in which I have two pieces from the Bad Parent column that I contribute to now and then.  The essays, Nude Awakening and Mama’s Boys, are my ticket to a trendy bar in Manhattan where I will get to meet editors who I have only traded emails with over the last several years.  Other than that, I have no expectations.

But if I meet some other writers there who already have book deals, maybe it will piss me off enough to come home and start the flow again.  Stay tuned!

PS – Remember the writer’s angst I spoke of in the second paragraph above?  Check out some of the reader reviews for the book.  The good ones are roughly equal to the bad ones in numbers, but I’m just sharing some of the more scathing remarks so you’ll understand why I twitch when you see me in person.  I hope “dirt” is good for writers, too because these haters really spreads it on thick.

On the whole though these authors just honestly digusted (sic) me. I can only think of one who actually sounded as if they were not some Manhattanite free-lance writer engaging in masturbatory overindulgence of the ego.

Have you ever been trapped in a conversation with a parent who spews endlessly about how their way of parenting is the best? Someone who takes their views to extreme? I had that same feeling when I was reading this book.

This book is intended for “urban, hipster” parents, which I’ve concluded is code for “since we pay $2500 a month for a 4th floor 800 square-foot walkup, we think we’re better than people who live in ranch homes and shop at Walmart.” Although the essays are by different authors, the tone is remarkably similar throughout–the unbearable smugness just won’t let up. Imagine the kids from high school who thought they were the coolest because they claimed to like bands that no one else had ever heard of. Okay, now imagine those kids raising kids, and telling you that since what they do goes “against the grain,” it’s totally hip. Annoying doesn’t even begin to cover it.

80% of the essays are written by the most unbelievably elitist uber-parents you could ever hope to meet in a Whole Foods market in Brooklyn.

The two pieces are a bit more buttoned up than some of my previous Babble articles so I thought the MoB readers might appreciate some of the sentiments that did not make it into the article – the outtakes if you will.  So, here are the Top 10 little known facts about my work from home life:

10. My biggest recurring fear is that my dog will begin to bark in the middle of a conference call with the national media.  If that ever happens, I will blame someone else on the call.

9.  Working from home allows me to eat lunches that I would be too embarrassed to eat at the office in front of people.  Like a slab of baby back ribs or an overstuffed  cold meatloaf sandwich that drips ketchup out the sides of the bread onto my keyboard.

8.  I am insanely neurotic about my computer.  I don’t let anyone touch it.  If Dave or the kids begin typing on the keys, I feel physically violated.  Seriously.  I have issues.

7.  Of all the things I miss about working in an office, I think I miss the idle gossip the most.

6. When I tell people I work from home, I have an uncontrollable urge to explain that I really work ALL day at a job that requires some experience and a unique skill set.  And that I am not taking orders for online catalogs (not that there is anything wrong with that.)  Sometimes my ego is the hardest working part of my psyche.

5. I do not save money on work clothes.  Because I only see my colleagues once or twice a month I don’t like to wear the same outfit twice in a season, lest they think I only have four dresses.  So I buy new clothes at an embarrassing rate.  Men do not have this problem.

4. Due to circumstances beyond my control I have taken a business call naked.  Those on the other end of the phone never knew.  And you never will.

3.  The time I have saved by NOT commuting over the last nine years equates to about six months. I probably used half of this time wisely.  MoB would probably not be part of my life if I commuted.   Not commuting has removed a million pounds per square inch of pressure from my brain.  That is more important to me than the $17,000 I have saved in parking fees.

2.  Sometimes, Dave will wander into my office when I am goofing off on Facebook, TMZ or Grooveshark.  When this happens, I quickly toggle to a work page and furrow my brow so as not to give myself away.  He thinks I work really hard.

1.  One of my most humble work from home moments happened when Chase was incessantly trying to get my attention while I was on the phone.  But I was deep in conversation and after about 10 minutes I angrily frog marched him out the door and closed it behind him.  A minute later he pushes a note under the door that read, “The dog threw up under you chair.  Just wanted you to know.”

On Monday of this week, Noah came in from outside with tears in his eyes.  He had bumped his head playing, and it hurt.  I gave him a long hug and suggested he take it easy for a while, which he did.  I took little notice of him as he really seemed okay.   It was the same day actress Natasha Richardson fell on a beginner ski slope in Canada and hit her head.  Noah was fine.  Richardson died.

I don’t think there is a parent out there who did not react to this story with complete sadness (Richardson was a mother of two boys) and utter fear (this could happen to my accident-prone kid, or me).  So I did what I usually do with all of my paranoid medical questions – I called Geoff (Occasional FoDDER writer and physician extraordinaire).  My questions this time around were especially relevant as Geoff is a neurologist and professor at Penn.  And despite the fact that he did his undergraduate at Princeton, I trust him immensely.

Geoff spoke to me under the condition that I promised to urge all parents that this advice should never take the place of visiting a physician, especially in the cases of head trauma.  If you take nothing away from this blog ever, please err on the side of caution, when it comes to seeking treatment for a head injury.

Here are my top 5 questions about Richardson and what he had to say (I paraphrased):

Em:  Reports seem to indicate that Natasha did not suffer a traumatic fall, as she was on a beginner ski slope.  How hard does one have to fall to sustain this type of injury?  Can it be a mild fall?  Is there something special about the fall that caused this? (I know this is three questions but I counted it as one.)

Geoff:  Chances are this was not a tiny bump on the head.  For an adult to experience epidural bleeding (which is how Richardson died), there is almost always a fracture to the skull.  Children can sustain this injury without a fracture to the skull.   Most commonly, the individual hits the side of their head near the temple to cause the artery there to bleed.  The reports have been vague as to what actually happened but it is easy to envision a fall where the side of her head hit the powder and there were no external signs of trauma (like abrasions or bruising) but internally there was significant damage.

Em:  It was also reported that she seemed fine and quite lucid after the fall, even refusing medical attention.  Were their warning signs that could have been missed? What should you look for as a danger sign(s)?

Geoff:  If there was any loss of consciousness, moments of confusion, weakness on one side or memory problems, those are warning signs that the individual should be seen by a doctor.  This also hold true for a child.  If the person doesn’t seem like themselves, appears sleepy, disoriented or generally out of it (beyond the normal out of it they usually are), they should be seen immediately and certainly not left alone. 

Side note:  Interestingly, people think that you need to keep a concussion patient awake because sleep would hurt them but actually you constantly wake them just to make sure they can wake up themselves and are not in a coma.

One more important thing is that if a kid has hit their head, parents must be extremely vigilant that the child does not hit the head again immediately following the initial trauma.  This may sound obvious but in competitive sports, you may think your kid is ok and send them back on the fieid – a decision that can prove deadly if there is a second trauma to the head.

Em:  How long does a person have to get treatment for this injury once it occurs?

Geoff:  The treatment for an epidural hematoma is drilling a hole in the skull and draining the blood that has accumulated there.  The length of time a doctor has to successfully perform this procedure is based on the size of the tear but it typically needs to be done within an hour or so.  Once the person loses consciousness from the trauma, the situation has become dire.

Em:  Would a helmet have saved her? 

Geoff:  Probably yes.

Gulp.

Em:  How common or rare is this type of accident?

Geoff:  If accounts are correct, what happened to Richardson is pretty unusual.  People get concussions all the time but it is not common for it to result in an epidural bleed.  Reports indicate now that a first ambulance was sent immediately and then turned away.  You don’t call an ambulance to a ski slope for a minor fall.  But this tragedy really underscores the importance of caution with all head traumas and reiterates that you should never leave a person alone who has suffered any type of head injury.

As a parent, I am always second guessing myself as to whether I am over reacting to a situation.  I don’t want to be the psycho-Mom who freaks out whenever her kid takes a tumble.  But damn it if I am not going to look a lot closer the next time that tumble takes place.  Without ever knowing it, Natasha Richardson, in her death, probably saved countless lives.  But it still makes me very sad.

*****

On a lighter note, speaking of head trauma, I had a piece on Babble.com yesterday about the sibling smackdown that goes on in my house on a daily basis… and why I am glad it does.  If you haven’t read it, check it out and let me know what you think in the Babble comments.

 A good weekend to all MoB readers.

If you haven’t had a chance to read the piece, here is the link.  In it, I readily admit that I need more backbone when it comes to disciplining my boys.  I now realize that I also need thicker skin when admitting to these foibles.  You should read some of the comments:

My guess is if you had daughters you would be just as much of a pushover. But hey, why not pathologize it with some pop psychology? That way you don’t have to deal with actually examining your parenting choices and reassessing their effectiveness. You can just blame daddy.

Complete rubbish. It’s time to get over your daddy issues and boyfriends 1, 3, 4, and 6 and be a parent to those kids. Double dessert?? Are you serious?

The writer is deluding herself by attempting to make this about gender, her daddy issues, her ex-boyfriends, etc. It’s not. It’s about a mother who decided she’s rather be her children’s friend than their parent. It’s a sadly all-too-common situation these days.

These people think that I am a real, live BAD Parent!  Yikes!  They also think that I am trying to blame my shortcomings on bad relationships with men.  Double yikes!  Don’t they get my humor?  Can’t they tell it was tongue in cheek – not foot in mouth? 

Guess not.  (Grumble.)  Any one who thinks that double dessert every once in a while is a crime needs to lighten up significantly in my opinion.

This is the second “Bad Parent” I have written for Babble.  The other piece I did for the section is the third highest viewed article of all time on the site.  (Brag. Brag. Brag)  This ranking warms my cockles every time I see it listed and makes me feel like I’m not such a total hack.  Of course, I realize that the reason behind the page views is not my Pulitzer prize winning style but the fact that the article is about being NAKED around my kids.  (I am hoping that by putting the word NAKED in this paragraph, the MoB readership will increase significantly.)  In response to that article, someone commented that I could be arrested in the state of Ohio.  I bet THAT person doesn’t allow double dessert either.

Babble is great site because I think the editors strive to present parenting as what is really is – imperfect. I’m really proud that they take my work every now and then.   If you haven’t spent time there, I encourage you to visit and poke around.  Some of my other favorite articles from the site are:

Friend Alert:  I love you but I hate your kid

50 Rules for my Unborn Son

Behind the Curve:  My First daughter is a genius.  My second, not so much.

Game Over:  I hate playing with my kids.

 Happy reading!