It’s that time of year again folks.  Little League has begun!  cmbbWhile Noah took an early retirement package years ago, Chase is still in the game and, I might brag, he is one of the best ambivalent minor leaguers playing in our league today.  Ladies and gents, it’s open season on the hearts and souls of Moms everywhere as we try to manage through 8 weeks of America’s favorite pastime.

Only once have I been asked to keep the “official stats” for the team.  I have to admit, it is not an easy task.  RBI, ERA, 4-6-3?  The serious coaches keep track of all of these figures, but I wonder how much they really matter at this level of play.  In fact, I might propose that there are a large number of important statistics that are currently NOT being measured simply because no one has ever bothered to develop a cool anagram for them.  Well, guys and gals, those days are over.  I present to you:


The Mothers of Brothers Official Guide to BSTM

(Baseball Stats that Matter)

  1. I.O.B – For some kids, the more Innings on the Bench, the better.  These are the boys whose favorite position is “sitting” and preferably talking trash to any teammate who will engage with them.
  2. LTC Attempts The number of times each season that your son tries to Lose the Cup and sneak out of the house without wearing his jock.  Can you really blame them?
  3. D’s/Week — The number of Missed Dinners each week, due to games that start at 6:00 p.m.  Granola bars, Doritos, and hot dogs from the snack bar do not count as dinner.
  4. DC Percentage – The number of games your son plays wearing Dirty Clothes.  This year we were smart enough to buy two pairs of pants so I don’t find myself spot treating the bad stains as Chase is pulling his pants on.  But his baseball shirt is guaranteed to be filthy for at least 50 percent of the time.
  5. PB/Game – Now that I have a big minor leaguer, this number of Potty Breaks per Game is rarely more than 1.00.  And I must admit the TTP (time to potty) round trip time has plummeted.
  6. G-LAF’s – We are trying to limit the number of Gloves Left at Field to, uh, zero this year.  Expectations are set very high.
  7. M -ERR – This stat refers to Mother Error which equates to the number of times you mistake another child for your own because they all look the same under those hats.  If you actually cheer for the wrong child using your child’s name, please apply a multiplier of 10.
  8. A.G.W.C. –The Average Gum Wad Circumference is directly related to the age of your child.  I am happy to buy the Big League Chew, thanking the Universe that it’s not real chewing tobacco. Yet.
  9. TT –  The Thunder Threshold is the number of times it has to thunder before the coaches call the game.  After years of analyzing this particular stat I have come to the conclusion that the Mom TT is generally one quarter of the coaches TT.  For instance, we would call the game after one rumble; the coaches need at least four.
  10. I.B.M. – The Infield Beats Minute refer to the mother’s heart rate when her son is moved from the outfield to the infield.  The mother of the pitcher will have the highest I.B.M. at the game followed by the mother of the catcher and then the mother of the first baseman.  This year I might actually have an I.B.M stat for the first time. We will see.
  11. O.F.W.’s – Number of outfield warnings per spaced out player.  Score 1.0 for every “Look alive!” “Be Ready!” and “Coming to You!”
  12. A.B.C.’s – The number of overused At Bat Cliches per game depends largely on the number of spectators.  Everyone has their favorites including Wait for your Pitch!  Be a Hitter!  Good eye!  And Got a Piece of IT!

Finally, there is a fairly complicated formula to derive the tipping point at which you have had enough and pray for the season to be over.  It looks like this:

Number of games/season – Number of games/season + 4

Game 3 is set for Saturday.  Plaaaaaaaay ball!!!

I know there are other parental spectators out there – for little league, soccer, you name it.  What are some of the stats that you think need to be measured?
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