Summer has officially arrived and that means more togetherness than ever. The brothers, filled with wonder and joy about the possibility of each new day, have wasted no time making plans, enjoying friends, and pushing each other’s buttons as if the world’s rotation depended on a fresh spat every few hours.
On the eve of the Summer Solstice, I am sending out an SOS: I NEED NEW MATERIAL
I admit to you here MoB readers that I have run out of verbal ammunition to deal with my own children. Even my best “go-to” lines are met with blank stares. I may have even caught a (gasp) smirk the other day in response to one of my “zingers” that in the past has brought even the most defiant child to tears. Yes, the boys have heard it all before and have come to realize that my words are weak and my threats are empty.
So I am now seeking submissions for snappy reprimands — the cool kids call it “crowdsourcing” — for unlimited use in my home and on my way. So that you can best understand my past style I present to you:
My Top 10 Admonishments When Addressing Feuding Brothers
(now completely ineffective, but they did work well at one time)Warning: Some of these sentences might be difficult or uncomfortable to read. Many represent some of my not so fine parenting moments.
- Someday I will be dead and then all you will have is each other. So, you better hurry up and get along.
- My heart hurts when you fight. I’m crying on the inside right now. Does that make you happy?
- Okay – how about we sell your brother to gypsies and get you a new sibling? How about a sister with fleas? I’ll do it and then you will feel very, very bad
- I think there is something very wrong with you both. There are special doctors I can take you to who will make you talk about your feelings unless you start acting like grownups.
- What part of “CUT IT THE F–K OUT” do you NOT understand?
- Could you just please not be such a dick? This house is a “no dick zone”.
- It’s yours? No, its not. It is mine. Everything in this house is mine. Even YOU are mine. I own you and I say that you should let your brother have a turn with the g-d Nerf gun!!!!
- You have lost your right to speak. There will be no more speaking today.
- I am going to get in a major car accident and it will be all your fault! (Best used while driving but lately I have been saying this while standing in the kitchen. Gets their attention.)
- If you don’t cut it out, I am going to make you apologize to the Rabbi the next time we go to the synagogue. Maybe there is a special prayer the congregation can say for you.
You can see by the above list that I am willing to say just about anything to get some peace. I am not above lying, cursing, or threatening. I draw the line at paying them to get along (although it has been suggested to me by each of them at one point or another. There are some things I just won’t do.
So please – give me your best lines! And feel free to take from my list and use at your enjoyment in your own lives. It takes a village, people. It takes a village.