I knew there was something wrong with me on Monday when a man knocked on my door selling large cases of frozen meat and I said, “Sure, I’ll take two.”  Then as I was making room in our freezer for said meat, I found an unopened Hershey Bar (with Almonds) and, despite being totally in the fitness zone for the last 6 months, I ripped the paper off like it was a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket bar and downed the entire thing in two bites.  And last evening, I inexplicitly turned on my unsuspecting husband with a series of accusations, f-bombs, and foot stomping hissy gyrations when I asked him to clean up the dinner dishes and he innocently asked, “Now?”

I have seemingly lost control of my usually very “in control” self.  Now I know why.  I’m pregnant.

Actually I’m barely pregnant.  Just two weeks but those tests today are so darn accurate and apparently my hormones have a long memory and have gone from normal to loony in record time.  It hasn’t really sunk in yet but I thought I would share some random “in-the-moment” thoughts with you all:

It better be a girl.  In fact, I was secretly “going for the girl” because I need someone to shop with when I am 60 years old and someone to buy me underwear when I am 80.  We can change the name of the blog, no problem.  It will be the MoB +G.  Catchy.  Even if it is a boy, we will name this baby Marissa.

I kinda haven’t told Dave the news yet.  He claims to read my blog every day and I think this would be a great test because I think know that once he reads it, he will call me.  Of course this might backfire as people start congratulating him.  But he just finished shaping his new surfboard so perhaps he will assume they are referring to his OTHER new baby.

I still plan to run the Philly Women’s Triathlon in July.  I loved swimming when I was pregnant with the boys.  You feel so buoyant.  I will just need a maternity wetsuit to dive into the Schuylkill River. If any one has an old one, let me know.  I will buy it off you.

Because this is my third child, I plan to throw caution to the wind.  I will not stop drinking caffeine-full diet cokes or red wine.  I will not swallow prenatal vitamins the size of horse pills.   I will eat sushi.  I still won’t scoop cat litter because THAT I hear is very dangerous.  If my hair needs color, it will get color.   I will continue to take all drugs that make me comfortable and snot-free.

I am definitely asking the doc to sew up my stomach a little tighter this time around.  I bet that because it is my third c-section, they will throw in something a little extra like a tummy tuck for free.  I just have to find that frequent c-section card that they punch each time you get one.  I think it is still good as long as you don’t use it during one of the blackout periods.

Finally, to my family and closest friends:  I thought the blog would be a great way to break the news in a high tech way.  Now that everyone knows at roughly the same time, you wont have to feel guilty about spilling the beans too early and begging people to “act surprised when she tells you!”  But of course you all know that I am never going to tell you, right?    Because while the first paragraph was 100 percent true, everything else is my way of wishing all the MoB readers a very happy and figment-filled April Fool’s Day.  I hope you each are able to “get someone good” today.  And more importantly, I really hope my mother-in-law reads this post all the way to the end.

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