Those of you who looked for me here last week know that I spent a few days in Ireland, a country to which I had never been. I went over for work and stayed on for some sightseeing with Dave who met me on the Emerald Isle about halfway through the trip. It was a whirlwind journey to be certain as we traipsed through Dublin and the surrounding countryside in two jam-packed days of tombs, ruins, and monasteries. We had two excellent guides who shared with us the theories behind these ancient sites, as the some of the ruins go back thousands of years BC, with no real record of what happened during these times.
In absence of any text, they surmised what certain carvings, formations, and remains might tell us of life back then:
These swirled carvings could suggest the importance of the Sun god in their world… or it could represent the turning of the earth… or perhaps it symbolized life and death… we really don’t know.
We found human remains of a 14 yr old boy in this tomb. He could have been a sacrifice… or maybe he died of natural causes… or perhaps he was a soldier… but it appears he was of a higher class… we really don’t know.
This is the Stone of Destiny which was supposed to scream when the “real King “ approached it. Some people think it was a phallic symbol, but not everyone… we really don’t know.
And so it went for each site – some legend, some story telling, some hypotheses. Very few facts. Which of course got me thinking…
What will tour guides say of us 10,000 years from now?
Imagine that all of our data is completely wiped out, with no record of life today, only clues. What will historians make of the remains we leave? Well… I’m glad you asked as I present to you:
THE TOUR GUIDE SCRIPT TO THE YEAR 2012
Welcome to today’s tour. It is going to be a fascinating journey through what we believe to be the ruins of a 21st century home. As we enter the abode, the first thing archaeologists discovered was what we believe to have once been a pile of shoes by the door. We believe that the inhabitants set them here as a booby trap for possible intruders. Because based on the way they were laid out, it would be near impossible to pass through without falling and injuring oneself. These 21st centurions were clearly very clever.
As we move through to the kitchen, you will notice that the floor here is more worn than anywhere else in the house. Legend has it that when the hosts would have festivals and gatherings, all the guests would feel compelled to stand in the kitchen area. They may have even formed tribal circles as part of the festivities. Perhaps they thought the rest of the house was possessed by demons, or maybe in the winter months, the kitchen was the only place that was warm. We really don’t know.
Let’s move on to the largest room of the house – called the Den. We believe this is where the family kept their livestock. Based on the amount of animal fur that was embedded and fossilized into the floor, it is obvious that these people raised hundreds if not thousands of dogs right here in their home. You may be wondering if that was sanitary. We don’t think it was but much of the fur was in piles where perhaps a large sofa or chair might have been. Still we have to believe that these 21st centurions did not see very well because all that hair would be hard to miss.
There are two extremely well preserved rooms on the lower level which have been left almost intact for thousands of years. One appears to be a parlor of some sorts; the other, a formal dining room. We are not sure why these rooms were only used once or twice a year but we think the Gods had something to do with it. Legend suggests that the 21st centurions celebrated the Harvest God and some sort of Winter Solstice at which point they entered these rooms for a couple hours in the evening – and then left them to collect dust for the remaining of the year. If they entered at other times of the year, the Gods would get very, very angry.
Let’s go upstairs where we can see some typical sleeping quarters. The smaller rooms, we believe, belonged to the child servants who lived in the house. We think they were servants because the smell emanating from these rooms when discovered suggested that they did not have access to sanitary facilities. Also, we found stockpiles of sugary drinks and food products that suggested these servants had to hoard food in the event they were punished for long stretches of time. And we believe that happened often, as judging by the footprint patterns in these rooms, it seems they spent much time here – when they weren’t serving their parents. Clearly they were held against their will – and didn’t emerge much for fear of being given more chores or work.
Down the hallway is the master bedroom suite where floor markings suggest that these humans slept in very large beds – large enough for at least three or four people to fit in. We believe these 21 centurions purchased these beds for when company came to visit. Another theory is that a husband and wife, upon being betrothed for more than 5 years, we no longer permitted to have any physical contact. The large bed allowed for them to sleep next to one another for years without even knowing the other was there.
Off the master bedroom is one of the most fascinating discoveries in this house – the master bathroom. It was here that the master of the house spent a great deal of time – almost twice as much time as the lady of the house — as evidenced by DNA studies. But the lady of the house also bathed here, we believe. In fact, it appears that she would actually shed a few times each year and bury her hair in the drain to the shower as an offering to a god only known as Pantene. Interestingly, next to the showering area is a large tub-like structure with rocket jets on all sides. Studies on these rocket tubs (which are found in many houses of this time period) is that while they seemed very important to have in the house, they were never used. Our theory is that they were built into the house for the second coming of the god Poseidon. Because when he did finally appear, he would certainly want to bathe in a rocket tub and the homeowners did not want to be caught off guard. Thus, the rocket tubs lay in waiting for all eternity, much to the chagrin of the homeowners.
Unfortunately we have run out of time. We would like to thank you for coming on our tour today. There are some wonderful replicas of the pile of mud room shoes or the animal fur fossils in our gift shop. Please be sure to stop there before teleporting home. It’s been a pleasure informing you.