My kids feel sorry for Madonna’s kids. They shudder to think how little Lola and Rocco and David must feel, seeing mommy prancing around in S&M gear. Or catching a glimpse of that tape showing Mum tongue-wrestling with Britney. Or finding some book their mom has written. Not the sweet little children’s books set in England – the coffee table book starring their mom and a lot of male dancers – the one with no subtext – the one called SEX.

And I love the inside of my home-made card as well. While Madonna, who turns 50 next month, clearly has better muscle tone (and she can still show her upper arms!), this is what my boys say:

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