Late last week I received an email regarding some serious litigation proceedings in which I am apparently involved. It seems I have been wronged in such an egregious manner that a class action suit has been brought – and settled – on my behalf. How lucky am I that the attorneys at KELLER ROHRBACK L.L.P. and KABATECK BROWN KELLNER L.L.P. are looking out for little old me!
Allow me to excerpt and translate the legal-ease of this historic case:
The purpose of this Notice is to inform you that a proposed settlement (the “Settlement”) has been reached in the consolidated class action lawsuit entitled In re Classmates.com Consolidated Litigation, United States District Court for the Western District of Washington, Case No. 09-cv-0045-RAJ (the “Litigation”).
Uh-oh. Classmates.com violated me in some horrible way. Who knew? I thought the only thing they were guilty of was not reading the writing on the wall that Facebook had eaten their lunch.
Complaints filed in the action allege, among other things, that Defendants sent email messages to subscribers of www.classmates.com that were in violation of the law and engaged in conduct that had the potential to violate www.classmates.com users’ privacy rights.
They violated my privacy? Bastards. Shame on them. I violate my privacy, the privacy of my family, friends and random strangers on a daily basis on this blog. If anyone is going to violate my privacy, it’s gonna be me.
This Settlement is the result of arm’s-length negotiations between Plaintiffs in the Litigation, individually and on behalf of the Settlement Class and Settlement Subclass, and Defendants. Both sides agree that, in light of the risks and expenses associated with continued litigation, this Settlement is fair and appropriate under the circumstances.
This means that both parties agreed that no one should spend any more time or money on this stupid lawsuit than has already been spent.
All Persons residing in the United States who registered with or subscribed to w ww.classmates.com between January 1, 2007 and April 19, 2010, and who paid for a Gold Membership subscription to www.classmates.com.
This is who was wronged in the lawsuit. The fact that my name is on a list of stupid people who upgraded to Gold membership on Classmates.com to see who signed their guestbook is more a violation of my privacy than what Classmates actually did. I need this information erased from my permanent record. Now.
In addition to injunctive relief, as a Settlement Subclass member, if you do not exclude yourself from the Settlement and if you timely submit a Valid Claim Form, you are entitled to receive either a cash payment of $3.00 or a credit of $2.00 off of the purchase or renewal of a w ww.classmates.com Gold Membership.
$3.00??!!!! $3.00??!! Are you freaking kidding me? My privacy is only worth $3.00? I guess so considering I didn’t even know I was being violated.
To receive either a cash payment of $3.00 or a credit of $2.00 off of the purchase or renewal of a w ww.classmates.com Gold Membership as a Settlement Subclass member, you must fit the description of a Settlement Subclass member and timely send a Valid Claim Form to the Settlement Administrator.
Based on my hourly rate of life, the time I will spend downloading the form and sending it is worth at least $11.16 (according to my back of the envelope calculation). In other words, I will lose money on this settlement
Class Counsel will ask the Court for attorneys’ fees and costs to be paid in conjunction with this Settlement. Defendants have agreed not to oppose Class Counsel’s request to the Court for attorneys’ fees up to $1.3 million, plus costs.
The virtuous attorneys who set out to right this wrong will also be paid $3.00… times $433,333.
So let me get this straight. The victims of this horrific injustice will be paid an amount less than what it costs to buy a slice a pizza while the lawyers get enough to send at least a dozen kids to college. For the love of Atticus Finch, is this type of legal practice necessary?
Something tells me there ought to be a law.