On our long road trip last week to Niagara Falls, I actually got to drive a little. I rarely take on this responsibility when Dave and I are traveling together. Despite my control freak nature, I have no problem letting Husband Take the Wheel for a few reasons:
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Dave is an excellent driver.
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I tend to fall asleep on divided highways.
- If I were driving, I would have to relinquish my role as the backseat driver which I take very seriously.
Per #1, Dave does not engage in any unsafe driving practices. He doesn’t speed, tailgate, or lay on the horn. So that leaves me to nit pick – another job I take very seriously. I’m a much better nit picker than I am a driver, so I thought I would share with you all some of my favorite rants based on his regular infractions. Let me know if any of these gems sound familiar:
Having the GPS Love Affair – Men won’t stop and ask for directions but put an electronic gadget in their car with a sexy female voice and they will turn that thing on to go to the 7-11. I really think there is a market for wives to record their own voice on their husband’s GPS systems so that when he makes a wrong turn, instead of purring “recalculating”, the GPS screams “Where the hell are going?? I said TURN you idiot!!!” I bet that would cut down on unnecessary usage.
Choosing Rear Entry – Dave will never miss an opportunity to demonstrate his driving prowess by backing into a parking space. It doesn’t matter that it’s 1 million times easier to park forward. He will take the opportunity to expertly position us for the fast getaway… from the synagogue. Or the Acme. I will acquiesce, however, that his rear entry is nearly perfect.
Forgetting the WIND in Window – I have written in this blog before that when Dave finally leaves me it will be for the woman who likes to ride with the windows down. (You know who you are.) Any driver who feels the need to roll down any of the other passenger’s windows without asking should think twice — unless the passenger is a golden retriever.
Paying the Premium – I have a sneaking suspicion that Dave buys the premium gasoline for our luxury 2002 Honda Odyssey and 2003 Nissan Murano. After all, how can we expect them to maintain their high performance speed and agility with economy gas? I am completely convinced that paying anything more than the economy price to put gas in a car worth less than $15,000 is falling prey to marketing trickery. I think my husband disagrees.
Taking it Slow – I also have a sneaking suspicion that when I am in a hurry, Dave purposely drives slow. I hate being late; he prefers to be late. If you ever pull up next to a car that just stopped at a long yellow light, and inside there is a woman SCREAMING at a man to “PLEASE GROW A PAIR!”, that would likely be us. Beep and wave hello – it will probably ease the tension.
Trying to Out Smart Traffic — If the news radio suggests that there is considerable congestion up ahead, Dave will immediately turn into MacGyver McDriver. And now that he has his little chippy sidekick, Special Agent GPS, this behavior has only gotten worse. Traffic in Connecticut? No problem. We’ll go around it — via Ohio. Little Miss GPS is only too happy to “recalculate.” “At least we’ll keep moving”, says our hero.
Strangely, Dave didn’t engage in any of these usual behaviors on our trip to Niagara, except caressing the GPS a few times. I, on the other hand, likely exhibited a few of my own quirky driving habits of which I am seemingly unaware.
So, my love, have at it. You have earned the right to dish it back to me. I’m anxiously awaiting your comment. And to all the MoB readers out there – what “drives” you crazy?
PS. If you want to read about a really original way to deal with other drivers on the road, check out this post by Freakin Angels author Kim. Ingenius!
