I usually carve out at least 30 minutes to buy greeting cards for people who matter to me. I truly delight in finding the perfect card for family members and friends and such a commitment takes a creepy amount of time. This Father’s Day was no exception – except my selection took way longer than 30 minutes. Perhaps it was because I arrived at the Hallmark Wall O’ Fun on Saturday and the best cards were taken. But I would like to put forth another hypothesis:
When it comes to the male demographic – specifically “The Dad” – Hallmark is stuck in the 1950’s.
Think about it. If you are a father who likes to drink beer, play golf, or grill, then the current selection for you is endless. The same holds true if your child is a pain in the ass, asks for money too often, has serious sibling issues, or never takes your advice. And while I’m certain there are plenty of Dads out there who qualify for one of these categories, the jokes these cards put forth are possibly older than the recipients themselves. Hallmark is missing a HUGE opportunity to capture the hearts of today’s modern Dad and the $$$ from their loved one’s seeking that perfect sentiment.
Never one to identify a problem without offering a solution, I present to you:
10 Father’s Day Cards We Would Like to See:
To The Dad Who is Constantly “In Training”
It’s Father’s Day.
Please tell me about your work out.
To the Hipster/Liberal Dad
It’s Father’s Day, Dad.
Spend the day roasting coffee, listening to random Indie bands and MSNBC, and occupying Urban Outfitters
To the “New” TV Loving Dad
Dad, you are The Wire, Mad Men, Game of Thrones and Downton Abbey
All wrapped into one!
To the Stay At Home Dad
Dad, our family may not run like most,
But enough about Mom.
To the Dad Who Works All the Time
Happy Father’s Day to a Dad who is super successful at everything he does.
(This would be a musical card playing Cats in the Cradle)
To Both Dads
Happy Father’s Day to My Two Dads
It actually doesn’t “get better.” It is already perfect.
To The Single Mom Who Picks Up the Slack for the Deadbeat Father
Happy Father’s Day , Mom
You are a better dad than he will ever be and 1000x hotter than whatshername.
To the Top Chef Dad
I’m so glad you’re my dad.
Because Mom can’t cook for shit.
To the Cerebral Dad
On this Father’s Day,
You can listen to all the NPR you want and I won’t yawn on purpose. Not even once.
To the Beleaguered Dad
On this Father’s day I talked to Mom
She is not going to bust your balls at all today.
So what did I miss? What cards are needed for the Dads in your life? Now accepting submissions in the comments section.