Maybe you'll start feeling better if you stop reading WebMD

Around noon yesterday as blizzard conditions set in and the Governor declared a state of emergency, I began to feel the first symptoms of acute appendicitis.  As Chase and I filled cupcake wrappers with dark chocolate batter, I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my RIGHT side.  A cramp.  Hmmmm, I thought. Odd.  It did not go away.  I glanced out the window to the white-out conditions and began my amazing transformation into my alter ego:  The Passive-Aggressive Hypochondriac or PAHCO.  Dah Dah Dah!

It’s aggressive because I immediately assume the worse – in this case my appendix was going to rupture momentarily.  Did I mention it was my RIGHT side? I conduct a few simple tests that I have learned from my days as a gastroenterological intern at Johns Hopkins neurotic mother.

I do the push test where you push in on your tummy and release.  If you have appendicitis, it hurts with the release. It kind of hurt when I pushed in.  Not as much when I released.  Push Release.  Push Release.  Push Release.   Inconclusive. 

I jump up and down, which is supposed to be unpleasant when you have appendicitis.  Jump. Jump. Jump.  Everything hurt when I jumped.  Inconclusive.

I engage in one of the most trusted diagnostic processes of all time.  I call my mother.  She tells me to do the push test and to jump up and down.  Inconclusive 

I let Dave know that my time on this earth is limited and took to my bed computer where I looked up the symptoms and diagnosis of appendicitis on Web MD.  The computer tells me that if I have any of the symptoms listed that I should go immediately to the hospital.  (I had two of the 6 symptoms.) I type in “what if it’s a blizzard outside”.  No results for that search.  Inconclusive.  I wonder what we will do with the kids.  I wonder if we will be able to get off of our street.  I wonder what the neighbors will think when the ambulance arrives.  Suddenly I become completely passive.

I don’t want to cause a scene.  I’m sure it is nothing.   I will feel completely stupid when this turns out to be gas.  A Zen-like calm comes over me. 

It’s okay honey, I’m just going to lie here and rest for a while.  Don’t worry about me and my raging, flaming appendix.  We’re fine.

There is another, technical term for The Passive Aggressive Hypochondriac.  Its called The Jewish Grandmother.

What can I say? I’m precocious.

I lay down on the bed, pulled up the covers, and fell asleep for a few hours.  When I woke up I was feeling better, although not terrific.  But I think I can say I made a full recovery from my acute appendicitis.  Apparently it was the 4-hour kind.   I’ve now moved on to diagnosing more chronic conditions. 

But I’m only researching the ones that can wait to be treated until after our street is plowed.

Share and Enjoy:
  • Digg
  • email
  • Facebook
  • Twitter