Around noon yesterday as blizzard conditions set in and the Governor declared a state of emergency, I began to feel the first symptoms of acute appendicitis. As Chase and I filled cupcake wrappers with dark chocolate batter, I suddenly felt a sharp pain on my RIGHT side. A cramp. Hmmmm, I thought. Odd. It did not go away. I glanced out the window to the white-out conditions and began my amazing transformation into my alter ego: The Passive-Aggressive Hypochondriac or PAHCO. Dah Dah Dah!
It’s aggressive because I immediately assume the worse – in this case my appendix was going to rupture momentarily. Did I mention it was my RIGHT side? I conduct a few simple tests that I have learned from my days as a gastroenterological intern at Johns Hopkins neurotic mother.
I do the push test where you push in on your tummy and release. If you have appendicitis, it hurts with the release. It kind of hurt when I pushed in. Not as much when I released. Push Release. Push Release. Push Release. Inconclusive.
I jump up and down, which is supposed to be unpleasant when you have appendicitis. Jump. Jump. Jump. Everything hurt when I jumped. Inconclusive.
I engage in one of the most trusted diagnostic processes of all time. I call my mother. She tells me to do the push test and to jump up and down. Inconclusive
I let Dave know that my time on this earth is limited and took to my bed computer where I looked up the symptoms and diagnosis of appendicitis on Web MD. The computer tells me that if I have any of the symptoms listed that I should go immediately to the hospital. (I had two of the 6 symptoms.) I type in “what if it’s a blizzard outside”. No results for that search. Inconclusive. I wonder what we will do with the kids. I wonder if we will be able to get off of our street. I wonder what the neighbors will think when the ambulance arrives. Suddenly I become completely passive.
I don’t want to cause a scene. I’m sure it is nothing. I will feel completely stupid when this turns out to be gas. A Zen-like calm comes over me.
It’s okay honey, I’m just going to lie here and rest for a while. Don’t worry about me and my raging, flaming appendix. We’re fine.There is another, technical term for The Passive Aggressive Hypochondriac. Its called The Jewish Grandmother.
What can I say? I’m precocious.
I lay down on the bed, pulled up the covers, and fell asleep for a few hours. When I woke up I was feeling better, although not terrific. But I think I can say I made a full recovery from my acute appendicitis. Apparently it was the 4-hour kind. I’ve now moved on to diagnosing more chronic conditions.
But I’m only researching the ones that can wait to be treated until after our street is plowed.
