In the criminal justice system, petty theft in suburbia pales in comparison to the truly heinous crimes which we see on the cable news networks each night.  Knowing that the punk perpetrators are likely never to be caught, families often take matters into their own hands.  These are their stories.

Bing!  Bing!

svuThe crime:  On the evening of May 18, 2010, on a quiet dead-end street, a family forgets to lock their car in their driveway.  The contents of the car include a Garmin GPS system, a video iPod, a number of CD’s, and a truckload of crap left by two tween boys ages 10 and 12.  At some point in the wee hours of the dark of night, the GPS and iPod go missing, leaving just the CDs and the crap.

Background:  Petty theft is commonly reported in this area of town.  A few neighborhoods over, there are often reports of vandalism and theft of merchandise from unlocked automobiles.  Sometimes loose change is stolen.  Yet this particular street has been immune for some time, giving the residents a false sense of security.  Still the possibility of some punk kid making the rounds is medium to high.

The Police Report:  Upon discovering the theft, the husband calls the wife from the road upon which wife calls the local police station.  She is advised to call 911 and tell them that she needs to talk to an officer.  Really, she says?  Do I have to call 911?  This is not an emergency.  But she is assured that this is how the process is handled.  She hangs up and does not call 911.  She calls her husband and tells asks him to handle it please.  He calls the station and is told something completey different, making wife look like a paranoid lunatic.  He files the report.

The Pursuit of Justice:  Oh sorry.  There really isn’t a pursuit of any kind.  They will never catch the scumbag who took our stuff and insurance does not cover it.  Husband goes on Craig’s List to see if anyone in our town is selling merchandise that matches the description of our GPS and iPod.  Hooray for the vigilante!!  Wife tweets out philosophical message about the theft, only to be ridiculed by a series of close friends who claim to be the real thief – and make fun of her musical preferences.

The Suspects: Given the lack of anticipated justice and any semblance of control of the situation, family sits down to dinner and decides to consider that this crime could have been an inside job.  Let’s look at the motives:mugdave

Dave:  The iPod belong to him and he is the primary user of the GPS system, which would normally rule him out.  However, upon deeper examination, it is discovered that he secretly wanted to UPGRADE to the integrated Blue Tooth GPS system to keep up with his arch nemesis, Doug.  He’s not as innocent as you think.mugem

Em:  It’s unclear as to which this vixen hated more – the GPS when Dave turned it on to drive 5 minutes down the road – or the playlist on his iPod.  Needless to say no one is more secretly happy that both gadgets are gone, albeit temporarily.mugnoah

Noah:  The kid has been itching to buy a new guitar for months, yet lacks motivation to do any chores whatsoever.  Maybe that’s because he was planning to take a ride down easy street? mugchase

Chase:  This pint-size goody two shoes doesn’t have an evil bone in his body.  Or does he?  Rumor has it that he is the type of kid who will stop at nothing to see what he can get away with.  Could he have taken his “smarter than you” attitude just a little too far?

Motzie and Kona:  Sure these two pretend to hate each other but perhaps that is a ploy.  Perhaps they are in cahoots and have stolen our gadgets so that they can ransom them back to us in exchange for more kibble.  Actually we know they had nothing to do with this ,but just wanted to post their photos because they are really cute. 


One thing is for sure:  A crime was certainly committed.  What nobody expected is the fun we are having blaming each other, coming up with grassy knoll theories, and seeking sympathy from our neighbors.  There is more than a little justice in that.

To be continued…

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