The scourge of the Stinkbug Horribilus, genus Ubiquitous, did not exist in the United States until a few years ago. Now, the stinkin’ things are everywhere. Seeking asylum on my scissors. Hiding out in handpuppets (Malcolm received this nasty shock). Walking across windowpanes. Sticking to screens. Emitting bitter fumes when maddened, they are well-named, ugly as sin, and super creepy en masse.

They certainly didn’t come into the country legally. The first one was found in Allentown PA in 1996. Not much travel was involved in colonizing my house within ten years, but how far have these things spread? Are they in New England, the Midwest, and the South?

In controlling the stinkbug population, I advocate torture. Specifically, waterboarding. Don’t just sweep them into a plastic cup of water, pour them in the toilet and walk away, even though that is admirable from a not-wasting-water point of view. These buggers can stay alive in the toilet, struggling for minutes before buggy paddling to the side, where they proceed to crawl up and out. Yes, I’ve watched. You must flush them down immediately.

No doubt they emerge alive, mutated and stronger than ever at the sewage plant, but at least you’ve gotten a few of them out of your house. Temporarily.

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