Last week I went to the health club for the express purpose of using the hot tub.  My back has been sore and I craved a little heat.  I am not ashamed to admit that my primary motivation for joining the premiere gym in my community was the hot tub.  The fitness equipment was a close second.  

After a good stretch, I made my way to the women’s locker room where I changed into my swimsuit and headed to the large tub which I estimate has a capacity of about 8-10 women, although there are never more than 3 or 4 in there at one time.

As my good luck would have it, there were only two others already in the hot tub which means I would be able to secure a nice strong jet. 

As my bad luck would have it, I realized as I waded in that I would be sharing my 15 minutes of heaven with 1) Ms. Completely Naked and 2) Lady Orgasm.

I know these two types well as they run rampant at health clubs across the country.  It is like playing hot tub roulette.  Sometimes you lose and have to share with these women who ruin it for the rest of us.

 To Ms. Completely Naked:   I do not want to soak in your DNA.  I will acquiesce that being naked in your own private hot tub is a very good thing.  But this is a public hot tub.  Please put on a bathing suit so that I don’t have to worry about floating pubes or (even worse) v- prints on the benches where I sit.  Forgot your suit?  No problem.  Let me introduce you to a towel.  They are plentiful and they are free.  Wrap up and c’mon in.

To Lady Orgasm:  Please stop moaning.  The unwritten rules of hot tub etiquette allow for a single “ahhhh” as you enter and submerge.  Any additional prolonged, frequent, or guttural noises emanating from you totally creeps the rest of us out.  We already know it feels good to sit in the hot tub because we are in there with you… trying to enjoy the moment… and pretend we are alone…which is impossible with you going all Jenna Jameson on us.

 As bad as it is in the women’s locker room, I am told it is MUCH worse in the men’s.  Dave and others have come home with horror stories not only of ABUNDANT naked hot tubbing, but of unbridled nudity throughout the locker room, including regular use by patrons of the blow hair dryer to dry their weenies.  Really, guys?

I wonder if my health club would be amenable to adding some deterrent language to long list of rules and notices prominently posted throughout the facility.  It doesnt have to trample on anyone’s right to be naked or express themselves.  It just has to remind people that they are not alone.  Perhaps a sign that reads:   Locker room under 24 hour surveillance.  Winners of monthly You Tube contest will be notified by email.

If I start a petition – or a Facebook page – would you sign on?

PS.  For those who think I am a humorless prude after reading this post, here is a little treat for you courtesy of vintage SNL. (I found this searching for “naked Jacuzzi”  images.)  Hysterical.

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