I realize it is my duty to teach my children to be fiscally responsible.  I also realize that experts recommend assigning chores for allowance to foster such responsibility.  Yet somehow, our efforts to contract with the brothers in this manner have been completely elusive due to the following circumstances:

  1. The jobs offered have been unacceptable to the workers.  For example, the Brothers Teamster have made it clear that remembering to make their bed everyday is too difficult.
  2. Salary negotiations have become dicey.  If we paid their proposed rate for each job, these little shits darlings would be making more money than us.
  3. Constant exhaustion and impossible schedules breed ambivalence.  I wish I was the Mom who made a chart, filled out the chart, and lived by the chart.  No chart.  No jobs.  No allowance.

But it is a new year and I am willing to work with the union to come to an agreement that is acceptable to both sides.  I invoke quid pro quo – and put forth the following list of chores along with weekly rates based on the value to the customer (i.e. me): 

 Make bed – 25 cents per bed

Clear dishes – 25 cents per meal

Empty trash – 25 cents per full bag

Put away laundry – 50 cents per basket; 25 cents bonus if it doesn’t wind up in the same drawer.

Take the dog out – 25 cents per walk

Take the dog out until she actually poops – 50 cents bonus

Wear sneakers with laces – 10 cents a day

Eat an entire meal sitting down – $1 per meal

Leave car radio set to Mom’s station – $1 per ride

Do not brush teeth in kitchen sink – $1 per morning, provided teeth still get brushed

Pour a human-sized glass of milk that you can actually finish – $1 dollar a glass

Throw away empty bag of Chips Ahoy rather than leaving it in the closet - 50 cents per bag

Or stop whining that we have no Chips Ahoy when I have no idea because there is still a full looking bag in the closet - 25 cents for the week

Walk on Mommy’s back without getting cute and jumping off  – $1 per minute

Try guacamole – $7 million

Match clothes (no red and orange do NOT match) – $1 per outfit

Continue to order of the children’s menu even if it is humiliating – $2 per outing

Say something nice to me – 10 cents per heartfelt, spontaneous compliment

Say something nice to Daddy –20 cents for same

Say something nice to each other – $5.00 for same

Use sofa for sitting rather than Superfly Snukas off the top rope – $1 dollar/day

Respond to my question the first time. ($10)  The second time. ($5)  The third time. ($2.50)  (PS.  Honey, you can get in on this too – I’m good for it.)

I realize full well that the rates stated may be above market price and will could potentially bankrupt me, but I also realize that the probability of the brothers doing any of these chores approaches zero. 

 $$$$$  x   0 = $0

The math works.

So MoB readers, what would you pay for – and what’s it worth to ya?

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