All year long I have been steeling myself for the next chapter in parenting.  Its entitled Heartbreak and I’m convinced it’s only a few page turns away for Noah.  I had my heart broken in pieces for the first time when I was 14.  So, factoring the acceleration of “kids today” which is mitigated by the “boys mature slower” multiplier, I estimate that someone is going to break his heart around the 12th of ……now.  Ok… now.  How about now?

This conversation is one that I have been having with myself for the last year to no avail.  There has been no teen drama, tears, infidelities, partner swapping or betrayals against my son  – despite the fact that I am completely prepared for each and every one of these scenarios.  I have an arsenal of heartfelt, soothing advice designed to comfort the injured soul and set my kid back on his feet, ready to swim with all the other fish in the sea:

You are too good for her. You can do so much better.
Look at all the other things you have going for you.
Almost no one marries their middle school girlfriend.
Time will heal this wound.  That boy who broke my heart in 9th grade?  We do lunch now.
Focus on something else for a while.
Its times like these when you find out who your real friends are.  Consider it a blessing.
Your mother loves you.

The list goes on, but has remained completely unused, collecting dust in the mind of his mother.  But in the last week, after a series of conversations and events that will go undocumented, I finally realized why Noah hasn’t gotten his heart broken yet.

He might actually be the heart breaker. (Cue shocking music)

After a lifetime of comforting my girlfriends (and myself) who have been wronged by clueless, heartless, ball-less men, I very well may have given birth to one.  Oh.  The irony.

It poses an interesting dilemma.  Do I vicariously switch sides?  Surely living in the Land of “It’s Not You, It’s Me” would not be a happy place for me.  I’ve been there to visit and it, uh, sucks.  Do I join my son in the town square, looking out at my sisters and justify his actions?  Or do I drag him, perhaps unwillingly, to the Land of Commitment, Truth and Pillow Talk where he could live happily among thousands of doting women?

I think the latter.  It is my duty as a mother and a woman to teach my son kindness, empathy, and honesty.  Because I do not want to show up on the doorstep of a broken-hearted girl with my package of comforting words for her mother.

And yet, perhaps I have something to learn.  My son is a good person. (Just ask me.)  And if he, in all his goodness still has the capacity to break hearts, then doesn’t that suggest that all heart breakers have some good in them?  Maybe they are even justified in their (gasp) indiscretions and missteps?  OMG – do I now need to go and apologize to every male who ever I cursed, disparaged, and wished death by a thousand paper cuts??? That could take years!!!!

Maybe I am getting a little ahead of myself.

Technically he hasn’t broken any hearts yet.  But given his shallow patience level and propensity to self absorb, it’s not looking good for his women.  Yep.  He is about to crush someone… sometime around the 12th of now….

OK, now.

How about now?

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