As you go through your daily routine, do you ever find yourself thinking that your life resembles a Hollywood movie? It happens to me all the time. But only recently have I been inspired enough to write about it. So to demonstrate the remarkable likeness, below I have presented two, side-by-side shower scenes. One is a movie scene ….and one is from my REAL life. See if you can guess which is which.Elaina walks slowly into the large, marble tiled bathroom clad only in lace panties and matching negligee which she sheds in a single motion and her garments fall into a delicate pile on the floor next to her well manicured feet. She stands, perfect and naked, before the large glass shower door.
Emily plods into the master bathroom wearing her entire sweaty workout ensemble which she struggles with mightily to get off, at one point having to call for help when she gets tangled in and shackled to her sports bra. She unceremoniously drops the dirty clothes into three separate heaps strewn across the floor. The dog noses its way into the bathroom, snags her underwear in its jaws, and bolts downstairs where her 14 year old son is entertaining friends. She stands at the bathroom door, naked and screaming, for her husband to retrieve the underwear ASAP.Elaina reaches into the shower and turns on the water at which point hot steam immediately fills the stall and wafts over into the bathroom, leaving her reflection in the mirror damp and glistening before she has even taken one step inside.
Emily reaches into the shower and turns on the water – all they way to hot – yet it remains ice cold for 5 minutes, leaving her shivering and goose pimpled until the water warms. The wait is a perfect opportunity to discover new pockets of cellulite in the large mirror that she cannot escape.Elaina steps soundlessly into the shower, arches her back into the stream of water, and wets her long luxurious hair. Cut to the next shot where her hair is now completely lathered with luxurious bubbles which she slowly massages and rinses. Directors Note: Elaina doesn’t need conditioner.
Emily steps into the shower once the water is beyond frigid and arches her back in pain as it suddenly becomes completely scalding. After adjusting the temp, she grabs the shampoo bottle which is nearly empty, making her have to shake and squeeze the farting bottle multiple times to get the requisite quarter size of shampoo in her palm. She quickly scrubs and rinses, repeating the exact same steps with conditioner. Twice during this process, her contact lens floats off the center of her eye, requiring her to blink excessively to have it return.The slow strains of luscious jazz, heavy on the saxophone, serve as a musical backdrop as Elaina lets the water run down her back. She sighs.
The sudden jolt of her youngest son bolting into the bathroom screaming MOM I CANT FIND MY SCINECE BOOK ANYWHERE!!!! DOYOUKNOWHEREITIS???? serves as the backdrop to Emily’s shower as she begs for 5 more minutes before she helps in the scavenger hunt. Upon leaving the bathroom, her son flips off the light switch plunging her into total darkness. She sighs.Elaina holds a large white bar of soap in one hand and a loofa in the other, rubbing both all over her body. The soap creates a very thick lather without any effort and the loofa is apparently not the exfoliating kind. There is so much lather generated that Elaina needs no shaving cream as she bends to shave her legs in long strokes. Each leg takes exactly three strokes. The sudsy lather washes down the drain and we catch another glimpse of her clean and beautiful feet. She slowly turns the hot water off.
Emily looks to find a sliver of Irish Spring the size of a matchstick adhered to the bottom of the soapdish. After scraping it off with her fingernails, she tries to use what’s there so she doesn’t have to step out of the shower dripping wet to retrieve a fresh bar of soap. After covering herself with a thin film of nothing, she decides to do the Mommy Swamp Creature and walks across the bathroom to root under the sink for a fresh bar of soap. Upon returning to the safety and warmth of the shower, she remembers that she forgot to bring a razor in. Thinking fast, she grabs her husband’s razor which is indeed in the shower, throws her leg up on the wall, and shaves as fast as she can so as not to get caught. In the interest of time, she only shaves the bottom of her legs, and her toes, cutting both to ribbons. The soapy water pools around the drain until she pushes aside the hair pancake that has amassed there in the last week. As the water begins to lose its heat, she quickly turns it off.Elaina steps gingerly out of the shower and wraps herself in an oversized, white fluffy towel with matching hair wrap. Her face is fresh and clean and she runs a wide tooth comb through her long, smooth hair. Again – it takes just three strokes. Her husband enters the bathroom, looks lovingly at his bride and kisses her cheek as she sleeks silently away. Cue music.
Emily steps out of the shower and grabs her 10 year old green bath towel that is still slightly damp from the day before. She matches it with an even older pink towel to wrap around her head and squeeze the excess water out. Her eyeliner is running down her cheeks as she rips through the rats nest in the back of her head with a large wire brush. Her husband enters the bathroom, looks at her cut and bleeding legs, and asks if she used his razor to which she replies, “of course not” before skulking shamefully away. Cue life.